The Zimventures 1: Angel and the Rinkan Stone of Doom
by tusitalabruni
Summary: Average schlub Cris Zim wants nothing more than to take a nap and maybe get something to eat, but he suddenly finds himself sucked into the Buffyverse thanks to Angel Investigations. For some ungodly reason the powers that be have named Zim the chosen one, destined to save the world. He can barely take care of himself. Maybe Angel and company can help . . . or maybe not.
1. Chapter 1

The Zimventures #1

Angel and the Rinkan Stone of Doom

Chapter 1

A Rude Awakening

The key was exactly where Fitz had said it was. Brandon bent over and took it from under the flower pot and let himself in through the front door. He made sure not to rattle the door knob as he slipped inside and gently set his duffel bag down. Quietly he tiptoed over to Zim's bedroom door and put his ear up to it. The only sound from within was a soft snoring sound. Good.

Brandon removed his coat, revealing army fatigues, but instead of boots he wore a pair of flippers. He then reached into the bag and extracted a pair of goggles, complete with a snorkel. He put this on, but he turned the mouthpiece away from him. Next he put a fake set of fangs into his mouth, around which he squeezed out some fake blood from a tube. When he had enough on his face he put on his Freddy Krueger glove and picked up the bullhorn. He clipped the final piece of his ensemble to his belt, and he was ready.

First he opened the door just a crack, as Fitz would probably frown upon property damage, even in the name of screwing with Zim. Then he kicked the door aside and screeched into the bullhorn: "ZIM! WAKE UP!"

The sleeping form on the bed jerked, and Zim's head shot up. His hair stuck up as if he'd put his finger in an electrical socket. His eyes were wide, and a tremendous fart roared out of him. "What the fuck?!" he yelled.

Brandon hissed at him, baring his fangs. Into the bullhorn he shouted, "IT'S NOON ON A WEEKDAY, AND YOU'RE NOT UP! I THOUGHT I'D DO MY GOOD DEED FOR THE DAY BY WAKING YOU UP!"

Zim rubbed at his eyes. "Dude, that's not funny."

Brandon lashed out with the Freddy glove, raking the plastic blades across Zim's chest. Zim screamed, but when he realized the knives were fake, he sighed. "Jesus, Brandon. I went to bed at three o'clock, all right?"

This time, Brandon did not shout. "THAT MEANS YOU'VE GOTTEN NINE HOURS OF SLEEP."

"And I have a headache."

Brandon did the Fitz-Whistle into the bullhorn, and the sound was loud and shrill enough to cause feedback. Zim howled and covered his ears. "Stop!"

Brandon laughed and put down the bullhorn. "Hey, you got off easy, dude. I was going to use this to wake you up, but I decided not to." He removed the thing from his belt and showed it to Zim.

"Is that a cattle prod?" Zim asked.

"Yep." And Brandon jabbed it into Zim's stomach.

Zim screamed and jumped out of bed, hitting his head on the wall. He rolled around for a while, holding his stomach and shaking.

Brandon couldn't stop laughing. Finally he said, "Holy shit, Zim! That was awesome!"

Zim didn't bother to get up. "You dick! You shot me with electricity!"

Brandon rolled his eyes. "Come on, man. I didn't even turn it on."

"Bullshit! I felt it!"

Brandon gingerly touched the tip of the cattle prod, but there was no shock. "It's all in your head, dude. See?"

He jumped across the bed to jam the prod at Zim again. Zim screamed and dodged the attempt. For the next half-minute Zim ran around the room, and Brandon followed, the prod out in front of him like a proboscis, doing the Fitz-Whistle the whole time. Finally, after several seconds of pursuit, Zim tripped and fell onto his bed. Brandon touched him several times with the cattle prod. "See? It's not on. It's not even charged up."

"Don't mess with me! I have delicate skin, and this headache is killing me! Leave me alone!"

"I gotta go to the gym, anyway," Brandon said. "Sleep tight."

"Fuck you."

Brandon offered a final Fitz-Whistle as he closed Zim's door behind him. On his way out of the apartment complex he did not notice the shadowy form peering through Zim's bedroom window.

Neither did Zim. He was too busy going back to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

An Uninvited Guest

Despite his best efforts Zim was not able to get back to sleep. He cursed Brandon under his breath as he stumbled toward the bathroom. In the mirror he examined his body where the cattle prod had touched him. There were no marks, but he didn't care what Brandon had said. The fucking thing had shocked him.

He urinated and went into the kitchen without washing his hands. His stomach grumbled, and his tongue begged for eggs and bacon, but that would be too much effort. Instead he went for some cereal. The thought occurred to him that he should get milk for such a meal, but the fridge was all the way on the other side of the kitchen, so he ate from a dry bowl as he leaned against the sink.

He was two spoonfuls in when there was a harsh, frantic knock at the door. "Fuck," he muttered. He was certainly not in the mood for visitors and hoped that if he didn't answer the person would go away.

No such luck. The hammering came again, and this time it did not stop. Zim grumbled as he sulked toward the door, opening it up without looking through the peep hole. He assumed it was Brandon back for round two. Before he had the chance to say anything the person rushed past him and slammed the door behind him. The shrouded figure planted his back against the door and visibly panted.

"Who the fuck are you?" Zim asked.

The figure turned his head up, and the hood fell away, revealing a heavily scarred face. Wisps of hair clung to his pate like cobwebs, and he wore an eye patch. "I can't believe you're real." His voice was accented, but Zim couldn't tell if it was German or Russian.

"I'm real. You can go now."

"Cereal!" The man grabbed the bowl from Zim's hand and shoved his face into it, eating the Lucky Charms like a dog. The man's hands were also scarred, and he was missing a significant number of his fingers.

Zim thought about grabbing his breakfast back, but he changed his mind when he realized how much slobber there probably was on his cereal now.

"Sorry," the man said between bites. "I haven't eaten in three days. They've been after me ever since I escaped from the hospital."

Zim backed away, certain that the hospital in question was one of the mental variety, and "they" were probably guys wearing white coats and carrying butterfly nets. How dangerous was this man? And why hadn't he used the peep hole before opening the door?

"You've got to get out of here," Zim said. He thought about calling the cops, but his phone was still in his bedroom, charging up for the day.

"No. I can't leave you now that I've found you." The man finished his meal and handed the bowl back. Zim grimaced, wondering what diseases this guy might have.

"You keep talking like you know me. Who are you?"

"I'm from Florida," the man said. "I was a friend of your brother."

"I should have known. Tell Geoff that if he needs money he should send you out to my parents' place. I barely make enough money as it is."

"You misunderstand me. My name is Bienvido, and I had a vision of you. When I was in a coma after the fire, I had a dream, and you were in it."

"Great." Zim thought about sprinting for his phone.

"Although I'd never seen you before, you appeared in my vision as you look now. When I described you to your brother, he said it could only be you, so he gave me your address."

"What was I doing in your dream?" Zim hoped that it hadn't been a wet one.

"You were saving the world," Bienvido said.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Your Mission, Should You Choose to Accept It . . .

Zim stared at Bienvido as if waiting for the punchline. When he realized it was no joke Zim couldn't help but laugh. "I'm saving the world? I can barely survive on my own. I have a headache right now, and I'm afraid it might be a tumor."

"It's not a tumor," Bienvido said. "It's your spiritual awakening. This is a necessary pain, and it will lead to the salvation of the human race."

Zim scratched his head. "I don't follow."

"You don't need to. Not yet. I have instructions for you. Do you have a pen and paper?"

"I'll remember it." _But not really_ , he failed to mention. The limit of his intentions was to get this guy out the door so he could go back to sleep, or maybe play some Mega Man on his phone.

"You must write it down," Bienvido said. "The fate of the world depends on this."

"All right, hold on." Zim dropped the cereal bowl off in the sink. He found a marker board on the fridge. "Shoot."

"There is a karaoke show tonight at Tailgators. It begins at about nine. You must be there no later than ten o'clock. You will meet a gentleman by the name of Lorne. It is very important that you approach him. You will need to sing for him. He will then receive a vision of you saving the world. He is green with red eyes and horns. He will be well dressed, and he will probably be drinking a martini. A gin martini, not one of those phony vodka martinis."

Zim wrote some of this down. No one but him would ever be able to read this, and even he would have a difficult time with it. "Then what?"

"Follow his lead. He will have a few friends with him. They are to be implicitly trusted, do you understand?"

"Sure." Zim dropped the marker board on the counter and looked back up at the stranger. There was a weird puddle at his feet, and Zim wondered if the guy had pissed himself and the rug. If Fitz saw that, he'd lose a gasket. "Look, you gotta get out of here."

Bienvido looked down to follow Zim's gaze. When he saw the dark puddle he screamed and tried to jump away.

No such luck. The puddle moved and grabbed him by the ankles, dragging him back. Shadowy tendrils shot out and grabbed Bienvido's arms and pulled him to the ground.

"Help!" he screamed. "God, it burns!"

Zim stared at him, wondering if maybe he had actually fallen asleep after Brandon left. He decided to sit this out, just to see what happened. While Bienvido writhed in pain Zim grabbed a Diet Coke from the fridge and watched.

There was a tearing sound, and Bienvido's screams stopped. His body came apart, and the pieces were wrapped up in the puddle. The darkness dissipated, and the parts were gone.

Zim pinched himself and yelped. So it hadn't been a dream. Which left only one explanation: he was suffering from the DT's. He didn't think he drank that much, but he could think of nothing else. There wasn't so much as a blood stain on the carpet. No evidence of Bienvido remained.

Then again, there were no other hallucinations. No bugs on the wall or under his skin. He made a mental note to call Bruni, who would probably know a thing or two about the DT's.

He knew he'd forget, though, so he erased the marker board and replaced Bienvido's message with a reminder to call Bruni later, when he knew his friend was no longer at work. With this done he sat down on the couch and turned on the TV, hoping to find something good to watch. By the time he realized that nothing was on, he'd completely forgotten about Bienvido. He'd forgotten that he was supposed to be the world's savior.

He did pick his nose, though.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

A Fortuitous Confluence of Circumstances

This headache was not going away. Zim tried aspirin, and the pain was so annoying that he took three instead of two, but it had no effect. If this thing didn't go away soon, he thought he would have to call in sick to work. He didn't have many points left to play with—he only had 0.5 left—and the thought of firing him was probably already on his boss's mind. But needs must.

Then, without even thinking about it, Zim rested his chin on his chest and passed out. It was not planned, since he'd decided there was no way he was going to get back to sleep, but it was a merciful act, or so he believed.

When he woke up the sky was dark, and his headache was gone. At first he was cautious in case the headache was merely trying to trick him. It did not take him long to determine that it really had left him, and he ventured a quick stretch and a yawn.

But the world was not supposed to be dark. It should have been the afternoon. He looked at the clock and was horrified to learn that it was five o'clock.

He was supposed to be at work by three.

Zim dashed to his bedroom where he scooped up his phone and yanked it away from the charger. Maybe there was still time to call in and save his ass. He frantically turned the phone on only to see that there was a voicemail message waiting for him. He had a sneaking suspicion as to who it was.

When he listened to it, he knew he was right. It was his boss, and he was being fired via a voicemail message. It could only have been worse if it had been done over a text. "This is just fucking great."

"What's fucking great?" It was Fitz. From the sound he had just come home from work, as he was closing the door behind him.

Zim thought it would be wise to not tell Fitz he'd just been fired. Since he was responsible for his half of the rent—and that time of the month was coming up—it was probably best not to burden Fitz's mind with this nugget of information. "Nothing. Just . . . nothing."

"Traffic was shit today," Fitz said. "It flurried a little bit. It wasn't Battlefield Hoth out there, but it slowed the fuck out of everything."

"That sucks," Zim said.

Fitz stopped by the fridge to get an energy drink. "I'm going to catch a few z's, and then I'm going out to Brandon's show at Tailgators. You should come."

Zim grimaced. He couldn't stand that place because all of the waitresses had shot him down. Brandon would only make matters worse. "I think I'll pass."

"What's this?" Fitz held up the marker board with Zim's message on it. "What's this about the DT's?"

Zim took the board from him and erased it. "It's nothing. Never mind."

Fitz gave Zim a sidelong glance, and it quickly became apparent to the latter that the former knew everything. "Why are you home? Aren't you supposed to be at work?"

Zim said the first thing that came to mind: "I called in sick. I have this terrible headache."

"You told me you only have half a point left before they fired you."

Zim remained silent.

"You got fired, didn't you?"

"Yeah. I overslept, and they sent me a voicemail message telling me not to bother coming in again."

"Goddammit, Zim. Do you have your half of the rent?"

"Not right now, but they said they'd be mailing my last paycheck to me. I should have it in about a week."

Fitz sighed. "Well, just so long as you're getting it."

"No worries," Zim said. But he thought about the hell of looking for a job. Then he realized that he might actually have to do work. Fitz was a nice guy and would let him slide on a lot of things, but rent money was not one of them. If he couldn't get it for next month, he'd be out on his ass.

Fitz sipped from his energy drink. "I think you should come out tonight."

"You know I hate that place."

"Yeah, but you like alcohol. If you have enough of it, you might be able to forget your employment problems right now."

That did sound like a wonderful idea. "Maybe."

"All right." Fitz disappeared into his bedroom, leaving Zim with nothing but his phone and his thoughts.

About three hours later, after Zim had spent the day twiddling his thumbs and wondering if he should go out, Fitz emerged from his room, having just showered. He was already dressed in his usual bar shirt, and his hair sparkled with product. Already he had a 5-Hour Energy in his hand, ready to take it down like a shot.

"So . . . will you grace us with your presence tonight?"

Zim sighed. "I don't think so. I don't have a lot of money."

"Then flask it. I know _I_ will."

Zim sighed harder. "I . . . sure. I'll come."

Fitz lifted his hand, devil horns up, and downed the 5-Hour Energy in one go. He roared, crumpling the tiny bottle in his fist. "Sail Hatan! If you hurry up we can be there by nine-thirty, ten at the latest."

This rang a bell in Zim's mind, but it was a distant sound, and he ignored it.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

The First Temptation of Zim

They stopped at the Mobil station so Fitz could get some energy drinks, gum and Flamin' Hot Cheetos, but they still managed to make it to Tailgators by 9:45. Before they were even in the door, they knew the show had not yet begun, as Brandon was outside lugging his equipment through the door. Fitz gave his signature Fitz-Whistle, and Brandon turned away from his equipment to respond with the same.

After they greeted each other, Brandon turned his attention to Zim. "Did you go back to sleep?"

"No. No matter how hard I tried."

"One day, when you grow up, you'll thank me for this."

"Fuck you."

Brandon once more gave the Fitz-Whistle and went back to work.

"Sometimes I hate that guy," Zim said.

"Suck it up," Fitz said. "There's alcohol beyond those doors."

"There's alcohol in our pockets."

"Then all is right with the world."

These words struck a chord with Zim, as if there was an angel named Destiny watching over him and she was hard at work. Hadn't he had a dream in which some guy had told him he was going to save the world?

They stepped past the bouncer, who heartily greeted Fitz and ignored Zim. The crowd was not heavy yet, but there was a decent amount of people present. Most sat at tables, and a few played pool nearby. Some were talking with Brandon as he set up his equipment onstage.

"There they are." Fitz pointed to a table near the bathroom.

At that very moment Bruni noticed them and roared, indicating that he was probably already ten shots in. "Fitz!"

As they approached the table Fitz pointed to Zim. "Look who I brought."

"Holy shit!" Bruni yelled. "Zzzzzzzzziiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmm!"

"Bruni. In your element, I see."

"BOOZE!" Bruni yelled. The bouncer looked over at him, but this drunkard seemed harmless. He was just loud, that was all. In this place loud was fine.

There were others at the table, and Fitz made his rounds, greeting everyone. Kliff and Skalsky had both managed to make it, as had the mysteriously monikered D-Dolla'. Done, Fitz said, "Okay, I'm off to get a drink."

"You flasking it tonight?" Bruni asked.

"Oh yeah. We both are."

"Good, good. Me, too." He patted not one pocket but both.

"I would expect nothing less from you, Bruni. What do you want, Zim?"

"You're buying?" Zim asked.

"I'll buy your _first_ drink. You did lose your job, after all."

"Vodka and Red Bull."

"You sure about that?" Fitz asked. "Because I remember that one time—"

"I'm sure," Zim said. His voice dripped with acid.

Fitz held up his hands, submissive. "Okay! Okay!"

The drinking commenced, and shortly thereafter the singing began. In that time another party had joined the fray: an already drunk Rico. And following him was an unexpected—and unwanted—guest: DD.

"Hey guys. I didn't know you were all going to be here tonight."

Zim wanted to hide his face. Although he had not met this guy before, he was aware of the stories, and he wanted to avoid DD if at all possible.

DD approached Zim. "Hey. You must be Zim. Good to meet you. You don't happen to have, like, five bucks I can borrow? It's for a drink."

Zim mustered the best polite tone he could. "Sorry, dude. I lost my job today."

"That sucks. I know what that's like. But, like, can you spare me a quarter, then?"

"No. No, I can't." This time Zim did nothing to disguise the disgust in his voice.

"Just thought I'd ask." And DD moved on to his next victim.

Zim downed the rest of his drink—his second—and refilled his glass under the table. He thought that Bruni might have had the right idea, to have come with two flasks. Zim was certain he'd need at least two to survive DD tonight. It was time to start the heavy drinking.

After a while he felt the need to break the seal, and when he stood the room swam around him. Whoops! Perhaps the heavy drinking had started too soon. He looked at his phone and was horrified to see that it was only 10:00. With a sigh he staggered to the bathroom and punished the porcelain. As he urinated he removed the flask from his pocket and drank deeply. It was about half-empty by this point, which meant he would have to start buying his own drinks soon.

He washed his hands and returned to the table just in time to see DD attempt to hit up Kliff for a fiver.

"If you don't get out of my face, I'm going to punch you in the dick," Kliff said.

DD laughed as if everything was a joke. "Like Steven Seagal in that one movie? That was awesome."

Kliff made a fist and thrust it into DD's crotch, not from the front or the sides, but upward like an uppercut. He clearly wanted to make sure he got DD's balls with this one.

DD's air whooshed out, and he fell to the floor, trying to breathe as he clutched his broken genitals. Everyone laughed at his misfortune, but Kliff didn't care. Out of sight, out of mind. _If Kliff drank_ , Zim thought, _I would buy him some booze._

How many people had wanted to lay DD low like that? Too many to count. Perhaps everyone who had ever had a passing acquaintance with DD had wanted to do this, but the rules of society had dictated that such a thing would be frowned upon.

Zim stepped over DD's agonized form and took his seat back.

Fitz was called to the stage, where he did "Bodies" by Drowning Pool. It never failed to be a crowd pleaser. By the time the song was over, Zim was hammered and out of booze. It was only ten-fifteen.

"I'm going to get another drink," he said. He staggered to the bar. On the way he noticed a very beautiful woman, and it looked like she was on her own. She leaned against the bar, waiting for her drink, displaying her ass in such a way that she was almost extending an invitation.

An invitation he was willing to accept.

He walked up next to her and propped himself up on the bar with an elbow. "How's it going?"

She ignored him, scanning the crowd.

"My name is Cris, but most people call me Zim." He offered his hand.

"Are you talking to me?" she asked.

"Uh . . . yeah. What're you drinking?"

"I'm waiting for my boyfriend."

"Sorry." He mentally cursed her. He cursed himself a little, but mostly it was her. He turned to the bartender and ordered another drink.

He noticed a peculiar face on the other side of the bar, yet it was familiar at the same time. There stood an impeccably dressed man drinking from a martini glass, but he looked like something more than a man. He was green-skinned with red eyes and horns. Hadn't such a creature been described in his dream from earlier?

Brandon interrupted the thought: "I would now like to call to the stage . . . the amazing, the fantastic . . . ZIM!"

When had he turned in his slip? Had he even done this? Was he that drunk already? He stumbled toward the stage, wondering what song he'd requested.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Rendezvous at Tailgators

(Terror in the Neighborhood)

Brandon handed Zim the mic, and Zim looked at the screen. It was Breaking Benjamin, which he should have known. It was one of his best, most reliable numbers. As the intermediary music wound down to a finish he cleared his throat and got ready to sing.

At first everything went well. The first couple of lines came easy and good. The audience seemed to hang on his every movement. Then, out of the sea of faces, he saw the green guy staring at him in awe. His eyes were wide, and his mouth hung open, his drink forgotten in his hand. It was then that Zim noticed the fellow was wearing an ascot.

 _Whoa_ , he thought. _I hope he doesn't think I'm gay._

He turned his attention back to the prompter, hoping that the green guy wouldn't get any ideas. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed someone above him, sailing down from the ceiling. As impossible as it seemed, the guy had a really bumpy forehead, strange yellow eyes and long fangs in his mouth.

Come to think of it, a green guy was pretty strange, too. Was he still suffering from the DT's? Where was Bruni when you needed him?

The guy with the fangs was getting closer, and Zim started getting the idea that perhaps this guy was not a hallucination. The Fear set in, and his voice got pinched. Not good for a singer.

Just in case, Zim thought it would be good to be prepared. But what did he have to use as a weapon? The mic? If it got broken, Brandon would kill him. Still, it was all he had at his disposal, and he choked up on it like it was a miniature baseball bat. He prepared to swing away like that Phoenix guy in the movie, _Signs_.

Then, at the last second, he chickened out and closed his eyes, waiting for the impact which would undoubtedly bowl him over. He squeezed his eyelids shut even more as he expected to be thrust backwards and into Brandon's towering speakers.

But this did not happen. The music played on, and the prompter showed more lyrics, but Zim was quiet and expectant. There were a few screams, but he didn't think they were related to anything happening to him. Upon opening his eyes, he saw what was really going on, and once again he wondered if he was suffering from the DT's.

The guy with the fangs was wrestling with a thin, trench coated figure with platinum blond hair. Charging the stage were more guys with fangs, and struggling against them were two men: a guy with spiky dark hair and a black dude with an eye patch. The former was armed with a giant sword, and the latter had an axe made from a hubcap. Both were making short work of these fang guys who apparently . . . turned to dust when they were killed?!

It had to be a part of the show. He began clapping. "Brandon, this is awesome! How did you pay for these special effects?"

Brandon was hiding behind one of his speakers, which was riddled with arrows. Who was shooting arrows around here?

Someone grabbed Zim's arm. "It's not a special effect, sugarplum. This is real life. Let's get you out of here."

Zim saw it was the green guy. "Who the fuck are you?!"

"Watch the language, Zimmy-cakes. This is a PG-13 production. Just come with me, all right?"

Zim reached out and grabbed the green guy's horns in an attempt to pull them off. When they didn't budge, he felt a chill in his guts. "Holy shit! This is real!"

"No shinola, Sherlock. Let's go before these vampires win."

" _Vampires_?!"

"Yes, vampires. Relax, kid. You're supposed to save the world. Me and my colleagues are just here to make sure you're alive to accomplish this mission."

"Colleagues?"

"Is there an echo in here? Yes. We're Angel Investigations, and we're here to save your life. I'm Lorne, and those guys over there are Angel and Gunn. The blond guy who just saved your life is Spike. Now can we go?"

Zim closed his eyes. _This can't be happening. This can't be happening. This can't be happening!_

"Let's go!" Lorne yelled.

This time Zim let himself be led to the back door. "What about my friends?"

"Don't worry about them. Connor and Illyria have them covered. Move it!" He pushed Zim through the door and nearly into a Dumpster. "We should be safe . . ." Lorne trailed off when he saw the gang of snarling vampires out back. ". . . out here?"

Zim sighed. "I really, really hate this place."


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Zim of Fear

(A Dangerous Assignment)

Lorne opened his mouth and let out an incredibly painful, high-pitched scream, and Zim slapped his hands over his ears, though it did little good. He was practically crippled by the resonance. It did, however, have quite an effect on the vampires. Most of them dropped their weapons and covered their ears, and those who didn't fled off into the night.

As the remaining vampires rolled around on the ground Zim grabbed a sword and held it in a defensive position. Behind him the door burst open again, and this time a short young man with long hair emerged, followed by a bluish woman in what looked like bad pleather. Her eyes were cold, and just from looking into them briefly Zim felt like he'd been pinned down like a dead butterfly in a lepidopterist's collection.

"Looks like you have everything covered out here, Lorne," the man said.

"Heightened senses aren't always a gift," Lorne said. "Sometimes it can be a curse."

"I hate your high-pitched mouth sounds," the woman who could only be Illyria said. "They make my aural receptors reverberate in an uncomfortable fashion."

"Never mind that. Connor? Would you do the honors?" He waved his hand at the vampires, who were quickly recovering. Some were already back on their feet.

Connor became a whirling blade, cutting these vampires to pieces, turning them to dust. Illyria stepped in to join him. Lorne stood by the sidelines wincing a lot. Zim considered joining the fray, but it looked kind of dangerous.

The door opened again, and this time the people who emerged were the ones Lorne had called Angel and Gunn. Both were covered with blood and dust, and Gunn was out of breath. When they saw that everything back here was under control, they relaxed a bit. "That's him?" Angel asked. He pointed to Zim.

"That's him, Angel-cakes," Lorne said.

"Come with us."

"If you want to live," Gunn added with a lopsided grin.

"Why is all of this happening to me?!" Zim yelled. "I didn't sign up for any of this! I just wanted to sing a song and get drunk! And maybe hit up Tapateos later. I'm not the hero type. I just want to go home!"

"I know how you feel," Angel said, "but right now you have to man up and help us take on the forces of evil."

"Can we stop at Tapateos first?" Zim asked. "I'm kind of hungry."

"No time for that," Angel said. "You have a world to save."

"No, I don't! I don't even know what you guys are talking about!"

"Didn't Bienvido pay you a visit?" Lorne asked.

"Who?" But then he remembered the burn victim from this morning. Had that actually been real? "I think I know who you mean."

"We don't have time for this," Angel said. "We have to get back to the Shelpshov demon's place. Zim, you have to come with us. Only we can help you, and only you can help us."

"How?" Zim asked. "I can barely even help myself."

"You'd better learn, son," Gunn said. "If you turn out to be a disappointment—"

"Come on," Lorne said. "There's no need for that kind of talk."

Angel Investigations started walking away as a group, and Zim could imagine them doing the slow-motion bad-ass walk seen so often in movies and on TV. It was like at the end of a TV show's opening credits when the entire cast has the title in front of them.

The back door opened again, and it was Fitz, Brandon and everyone else. They saw Zim standing alone in the midst of a sea of dust, and their eyes went to his sword. "Damn, dude," Fitz said. "Did you dust all of those vampires on your own?"

Zim looked at his friends. "I . . . uh . . . well, I had some help."

The door burst open a final time. It was Spike, the blond-headed vampire who had saved Zim's life onstage. He looked like he was ready to start killing more vampires, but when he saw there were none left he relaxed, propped his sword up against the wall and put a cigarette in his mouth. He then patted himself down, looking for a lighter only to find none.

"Bloody hell!" he roared. "Any of you smoke?"

"I do," a voice from behind the Dumpster said. It was DD, and he offered up a cheap Bic.

"Cheers, mate."

"I'm kinda out of smokes," DD said. "Do you think I can bum one from you?"

Spike shot him a sidelong glance, as if sensing the parasite within DD. "Sorry, mate. This is my last one."

"That's cool," DD said. "Can I, like, borrow five bucks so I can get a new pack?"

"Uh, no."

"Whatever. Got a quarter? I can get one cigarette for a quarter in Aurora."

Spike exhaled a cloud of smoke into DD's face. "No."

Angel returned to the gathering. "What part of 'come on, let's go' did you not understand?" He aimed the question at Zim.

Zim made some quick introductions. He then turned to Brandon, a smug, self-satisfied smile on his face. "I'm supposed to save the world."

Brandon and Fitz exchanged a glance and laughed uncontrollably. "If that's true," Brandon said, "then we are _fucked_."

"YOU ARE ALL FUCKED ANYWAY!" a voice boomed.

Everyone whirled around toward the end of the building, and all were surprised to find an eight-foot-tall demon, horns and all, holding a flaming whip. He stared directly at Zim. "You are mine, mortal."

"Oh fuck," Lorne said.

Zim turned to him. "I thought this was PG-13."

"This situation calls for harsher language. That is a Vendrell demon. He has the hardest head in the world, and he's too tough for us."

Zim hefted the sword up, as if testing the weight. "So . . . what do we do?"

"You will all DIE," the Vendrell demon said. It reared back, preparing its whip for attack.

"RUN!" Angel yelled.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

The Demon Did It

(A Bird in the Hand)

Although Angel had told everyone to run—and most people did—Zim could not help but stand and stare. The Vendrell demon was at least eight feet tall, and it looked like it was made of stone from hooves to horns. Its clawed hands were the size of medicine balls, and its eyes were glowing coals. There appeared to be some hair at the top of its head, but it was sparse and receding. The whip looked like it was made from bone, and there were Bowie knives strung at the end of it.

There was no doubt about it: this thing was death itself. Zim tried to make his legs move, but they would not save him from this juggernaut of violence.

The Vendrell demon did not bother to step toward him; it just reared back with the whip and prepared to strike. Zim puckered his butthole and closed his eyes, waiting to die.

Illyria shrieked like a harpy and jumped between Zim and the Whip of Many Knives. When the Vendrell demon followed through with the attack, Illyria grabbed the whip and yanked back on it. The demon stumbled forward, and Illyria planted her fist against its chest. There was a tremendous sound of thunder, and the demon fell backwards, its chest cracked.

Hands wrapped around Zim's collar and turned him around. It was Fitz. "Dude, when someone like that—" He pointed at Angel. "—says to run, YOU RUN!"

Fitz dragged him away from the titanic brawl, and Zim couldn't help but look back and watch as Illyria straddled the Vendrell demon's broken chest. It looked like she was trying to wrestle the horns from its head.

Up ahead Angel and Brandon were yelling at each other. It took Zim a moment to realize that the former intended the latter to follow their convertible in a van. Angel and his crew piled into the convertible and started roaring off. Everyone else barely fit into the van, and as it was, Zim had to ride sitting in D-Dolla's lap.

"I feel like such a kid," Zim muttered.

"Imagine how I feel," D-Dolla' said.

"Just don't pop any wood while I'm here."

"Shut up and buckle in!" Brandon called from the driver's seat. The van roared to life and jerked as Brandon accelerated after the convertible. Just then, before they reached the end of the building, the Vendrell demon jumped between the convertible and the van.

"Fuck!" Brandon yelled. He twisted the wheel. He sideswiped a black Pontiac, tearing most of the paint job off the passenger side, but he managed to swerve around the bulky shape of the demon.

"Drive faster!" Rico shouted. "He's gaining on us!"

"This thing won't go any faster!" Brandon roared.

Zim cast his gaze behind him, around D-Dolla's head, to see what Rico was looking at. Illyria was climbing the Vendrell demon's back and was once again trying to break the horns away. She also punched his rock head, and chips rained away like dandruff.

Brandon turned to follow the convertible, and Zim could no longer see the altercation. He blew a sigh out that fogged the side window. "I just about shit myself," Zim said.

"Do. Not. Do. That," D-Dolla' said.

Moments later they pulled into a forest preserve, and they parked next to the convertible. "Isn't this place supposed to be closed at this hour?" Fitz asked.

"Those guys seem pretty special to me," Brandon said. "I wouldn't be surprised to find out that they have special privileges or something."

Everyone got out of their vehicles. "What are we doing here?" Zim asked Angel's team.

"This is a Shelpshov demon's territory," Angel said. "He's been giving us sanctuary while we're in the area. Follow me."

Spike stepped up to Zim, and he held a human-shaped package over his shoulder. "By the way, I saved your friend's life. You can start showering me with praise, now."

Zim saw that it was DD. "He's not really my friend."

"I saw him with you guys."

Zim shrugged. "He's a parasite."

"In that case." Spike shrugged, and DD's unconscious form flopped down on the grass. "He was getting heavy, anyway."

They left DD in a puddle of himself as everyone followed Angel to what had to be the thickest tree any of them had ever seen.

"It's like that one tree in _Ernest Scared Stupid_ ," Fitz said.

"It's where the Shelpshov demon lives," Lorne said.

Angel spoke a few words that sounded nothing like English, and the side of the tree opened up. Without a second thought Angel stepped in, and the rest of his team followed."

Zim looked at his friends and shrugged. "What can I say? I'm supposed to save the world." And he stepped inside.

"There is no way I'm leaving him alone with that bunch," Fitz said. He followed.

"There are just so many ways I can screw with him," said Brandon. He joined them.

The rest stood outside and stared at each other. "This is probably dangerous," Rico said.

Bruni laughed. "Yep. What else am I going to do with my evening? Things could get interesting." And he went in.

Kliff stared at the opening in the tree. "That guy's an idiot."

Rico laughed. "Where's your sense of adventure? Excitement?"

"We just saw a bunch of vampires attack Tailgators," Kliff said. "There was a giant stone demon after us. I think it's time to go home."

"Just so long as we stop off for some beer," Rico said. "I didn't get to drink much tonight."

The remainder of them decided Kliff was right, and they went their separate ways. They each stopped off at DD's unconscious body to offer one final kick before taking to the road to get back to Tailgators, where most of them had left their cars.

Inside the tree, Zim was surprised to find that it was quite a cozy place. It resembled the hobbit hole in _The Lord of the Rings_ , and by the toasty fireplace sat a blob of a creature. A face was barely discernable from the rest of him, but the fellow seemed hospitable enough.

"Welcome to my home, warriors," the Shelpshov demon said. "Care for some ale?"

"Yes," Bruni said immediately.

"What is this place?" Zim asked. "And why did you call us warriors?"

The demon leaned forward and smiled. "You must be Zim the Courageous."

"Um, what?" Brandon asked. He barely restrained himself from laughing.

"That is how he is known in the future," the Shelpshov demon said. "It is here that you will learn how you are to save the world."


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

A Substantial Gift

(The Broken Zim)

"I can't believe this shit is real," Brandon said. "Zim has never been courageous, and I just can't see him saving the world."

"I have known him for sixteen years," Fitz said. "He has never been much in the ambition department. The man can barely handle his personal responsibilities. Are you sure it's supposed to be Zim?"

"I think he can do it," Bruni said. He drank deeply from the mug of ale.

"Great," Zim said. "The only one of my friends who has any confidence in me is the drunkard."

Bruni grinned. "You're welcome."

"Maybe we should get Bruni liquored up," Fitz said. "Maybe if Future Booze Jesus makes an appearance, we can get to the bottom of this."

"I approve."

"Of course you do, Bruni."

"Can we stop with the witty banter?" Angel asked. "We have the fate of the world in our hands."

"That sounds bloody familiar," Spike said, rolling his eyes. "Just once I would like to go out and kill an army of vampires and not have the world's fate be at stake."

"How am I supposed to save the world?" Zim asked. "I had a sword for, like, three minutes. I dropped it on the way to the van. Now the most dangerous thing I have on me is . . . I guess my keys are kind of sharp."

The Shelpshov demon held out his hand. "You will be armed with this."

Zim looked suspiciously at the Shelpshov demon's hand. It looked like he was holding nothing in a greasy, bulbous hand. Then he saw something peeking out. Reluctantly he took the offered object only to find it was merely a guitar pick. "What the hell is this?"

"THE PICK OF DESTINY!" Bruni roared.

"No," the Shelpshov demon said. "You will know how to use it when the time is right."

"That was mystical," Zim said.

"It feels nice to be on the other side of vague, mysterious statements," Spike said.

"This is bullshit," Zim said. "Tell me what I'm supposed to do with this."

"Why must the meat-thing make so many annoying sounds?" a voice from above asked. Everyone turned to see Illyria descending the stairs into the den. She carried two gigantic horns, presumably from the Vendrell demon.

"Am I the meat-thing?" Zim asked. "I don't know if I should be insulted."

"We're all meat-things to her," Connor said. "I know she sounds strange sometimes, but you get used to it."

"It reeks of Yobnak Sheffs down here," Illyria said.

"A group of them used to live here," the Shelpshov demon said.

"Enough with the small talk," Angel said. "What are we supposed to do next?"

The Shelpshov demon began speaking, but Zim zoned out. He was too busy looking at Illyria. Sure, she was weird-looking beyond all belief, but there was a certain air of hotness about her. If it was the end of the world, why not try to get laid one last time? Besides, if he really was supposed to be the savior everyone said he was, then she'd probably throw herself at his feet. What could it hurt?

He sidled over to her. "How's it going?"

"How is what going?" she asked.

"Uh . . . it. You know. How's it going?"

"You make no sense, meat-bag."

Zim pursed his lips. "Well, since we're working together at saving the world, I was thinking that we could, you know, go out for coffee sometime?"

"What is the meaning of this? There is coffee over there." She pointed to the demon's kitchen nook, and sure enough there was a pot brewing.

"No, I mean, well, you know."

"He's trying to say he fancies you, love," Spike said.

Illyria grimaced and looked like she was about to spit on Zim. "I would never come into such intimate contact with a creature as lowly as you. I can't believe this meat-bag has such gall!"

Zim looked like he was about to cry.

"Don't take it too harshly, mate," Spike said. He threw his arms around Zim's shoulders. "She's that way with everyone. Except for Wesley, of course, and even then I'm not too sure."

Zim gritted his teeth and snapped the guitar pick in two. There was a small spark of light, and smoke hissed from the crack.

"What did you just do?" the Shelpshov demon asked.

"Sorry," Zim said. "I broke your guitar pick."

"You what?!" Angel yelled.

"I'll get you another one," Zim said. "I can get 'em for a buck down at—"

"Three people gave their lives so we could get that guitar pick! It's a very special artifact!"

The Shelpshov demon wept. "Now we're all doomed."


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Revenge and Remorse

(The Guilty Zim)

"What?" Zim shouted. "Nobody told me how important this thing was! It just looks like a guitar pick! And you just said some mystic garble about how I'd know how to use it when the time came. How was I supposed to know?"

"The mystic garble should have been your indication of how important this is," Angel said through clenched teeth.

Brandon slapped his forehead. "Have you been listening to anything they've been telling you? They were describing what you had to do in order to save the world, and that guitar pick was supposed to be your ultimate weapon!"

"Dude, it's like the spread gun in Contra," Fitz said.

"He wasn't listening," Illyria said. "This vile meat-thing was trying to have a fancy with me."

Spike suppressed a laugh. "Close enough, love."

"I told you guys, I'm not a hero!" Zim yelled. "I just want to go home!"

"Zim!" Brandon shouted. "Your idiocy has destroyed the world!"

Bruni perked up. He had been drinking ale for as long as they had been in the demon's den, and the room was tilted slightly. "There is still hope."

The Shelpshov demon raised a wispy eyebrow. "There's another way to defeat Krimskep the Strong?"

"Holy shit!" Fitz said. "Bruni is Future Booze Jesus! Only he can save us!"

"Future Booze Jesus?" Lorne asked.

"Believe me, this works," Fitz said. "The man can tell the future, provided he's drunk enough. I've seen it happen."

"It's pretty creepy," Zim said.

"What do you see, o prophet?" the Shelpshov demon asked.

"Don't give him a big head," Fitz said. "He's merely Future Booze Jesus. Like Steven Seagal, he is only human."

Future Booze Jesus massaged his temples with his fingers. "I see . . . I see . . . This is weird. Zim is still saving the world. He's not messing it up."

"Are you sure about this, Fitz?" Brandon asked.

"Future Booze Jesus is never wrong," Fitz said.

"Sing something," Lorne said, "so I can see your vision, too."

Future Booze Jesus same a quick verse from Denis Leary's "Asshole," and Lorne's eyes grew wider.

"What do you see?" the Shelpshov demon asked.

"He doesn't have the guitar pick anymore," Lorne said. "I think he has . . . it looks like a rock."

The Shelpshov demon slapped his slimy forehead. "The Rinkan Stone! How could I have forgotten about that?"

"What's the Rinkan Stone?" Angel asked.

"It's kept in the Felkroff dimension, which isn't so bad. All you have to do is wrestle it from the Pontifex Maximum, and you're good to go. The Rinkan Stone has all the powers of the Pick d'Comfrell, but it has one more: it can shoot lightning bolts."

"Keen," Connor said. "How do we get to the Felkroff dimension?"

"Whoa," Zim said. "I'm not going to another dimension. Don't you think I've screwed this up enough?"

"Don't worry," Angel said. "You're staying here."

"Besides, I don't think they have breathable air in the Felkroff," the Shelpshov demon said. "The only people who can go there are those who don't need oxygen."

"I guess that's us," Spike said. He nodded to Angel.

"And me," Illyria said.

"There should be an incantation scroll on my bookcase," the Shelpshov demon said. He pointed. "It's on the top shelf, two from the left."

Angel followed instructions and opened the scroll. "What the hell kind of language is this?"

Spike looked over his shoulder and shrugged. "I haven't a bloody clue. Latin?"

"Let me see," Lorne said. He examined the scroll and shook his head. "This is Ibrexian. Very rare, and I don't know the dialect, but I can speak it."

"Great," Angel said. "Follow me."

The four of them went up the stairs and out of the tree. Brandon paced back and forth, looking at Zim, who was staring at the space where Illyria's ass had just been. "I can't believe your blind, idiot luck, Zim. You destroy the only thing that can save the world, and lo! and behold! It turns out there's something else that can do the job. How the fuck do you do that?"

"He ruins the world and saves it at the same time," Future Booze Jesus said. "I don't get it, either."

Zim shrugged.

"You will be dealt with," Fitz said.

"He will deal with himself," Future Booze Jesus said.

Gunn sidled up to Future Booze Jesus. "Can you tell me if I'm ever going to get my eye back? Lack of depth perception sucks."

Future Booze Jesus rubbed his temples. "Yes. But you will not like it when it happens."

"Shit," Gunn said.


	11. Interlude

Interlude

As Lorne read the words while standing in front of the pentagram, and Angel, Spike and Illyria prepared to jump into another dimension, DD stirred from his resting place on the grass by the convertible. He dumbly touched his brow, which was bleeding.

"Fuck," he muttered. "Where am I?"

"You're at the forest preserve," a chipper voice said.

He turned and saw the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. She couldn't have been more than eighteen, and she was wearing a blue shirt over the tightest yoga pants ever. He locked his eyes on her camel toe, and he started panting.

"I'm DD. What's your name?"

"Desdemona," she said.

"That's a pretty name." He thought about standing up, but he liked the eye-level view of her camel toe too much. "Do you know where I parked?"

"Back at Tailgators," she said. "But the guy in the van sideswiped your ride. It looks like hell. Thousands of dollars of damage. I think his name is Brandon."

"Fuck," DD said. "I'll, like, kill him."

"Well, that would be a bonus. But your main target is the one known as Zim the Courageous. You need to kill him. Killing his friends is just for extra credit."

"Do you wanna get out of here?" DD asked. "I think Tailgators is still open, and I need to get my drink on. What do you say?"

"No, I think we need to get you on Zim's trail."

DD considered asking her for money since he didn't have any to buy her a drink with. Then he remembered that chicks tended to frown upon that. "Forget about that," he said. "Let's get wasted. You wanna come over and watch _300_ with me? I just got it on DVD, and it's awesome."

Desdemona rolled her eyes, and her smile disappeared. "You just had to play hard to get, didn't you?"

DD laughed. "I'm pretty easy."

Desdemona's face shifted, and suddenly she was covered with boils and teeth. The latter of the two was not limited to just her mouth; teeth had sprouted all over her face.

"Whoa," DD said. He was unaware of his own Keanu Reeves reference.

She lurched forward in a ray of light, and tendrils of her found their way into his mouth and nostrils. Some of her even managed to get in his ears. He tried to scream, but he gagged on her essence.

And then the pressure was gone. DD stood, his eyes glowing slightly yellow, and he began walking toward the Shelpshov demon's tree.


	12. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Testimony of Zim

(Dead Men Don't Laugh)

Zim paced around the room, looking at his feet. Bruni sat with the Shelpshov demon, drinking ale after ale, telling dirty jokes. Brandon and Fitz stared at Zim, shaking their heads. Lorne, Connor and Gunn tried not to look bored but failed miserably.

"How long is this going to take?" Zim asked. "I'm hungry, and I want to go to Tapateos."

The Shelpshov demon offered him a bowl of sludge. "This is excellent gramszhe. It's a family recipe. Lots of fiber."

The gramszhe smelled like dirty underwear left out in the sun in Joliet, and it looked like a cat had puked on a puddle of dog shit. "I think I'll pass."

The Shelpshov demon shrugged. "Don't worry, it won't be long. Time goes faster in the Felkroff dimension. Hours over there are minutes here. I wouldn't be surprised if they're already back."

The door above them opened, and footsteps rang through the den. Every head turned to see who it was, and all were dismayed when they saw it was DD. "Hey guys. What's going on?"

"I thought we left you by the cars," Zim said.

"Yeah. What's with that?"

"This is one of your friends?" the Shelpshov demon asked.

"I hesitate to use such a strong word for this guy," Fitz said.

"So, where's my car?" DD asked. "Is it still at Tailgators? And why are you guys in a tree?"

"How did you get in here?" the Shelpshov demon asked. "There's an incantation you must recite, or the tree won't let you in."

"I don't know," DD said. "The door was, like, open. Maybe someone forgot to close it."

The Shelpshov demon looked askance upon the newcomer, but the answer was pat enough for his likes. "Did you see anyone else out there?"

"Nah, man. This place is nice. I don't suppose you have, like, anything to drink?"

"There's some ale over there."

Bruni looked like he wanted to step between DD and the ale, but he did not. If the demon was stupid enough to leave DD such an open invitation, he deserved what he got. Bruni made a mental note to drink as much ale as he could before this parasite could get the remainder.

Just as DD took his first drink, more footsteps came thundering down the stairs. It was Angel and his team, and they were looking worse for the wear. Angel's brow had been split open, as had his lip. Blood and bruises lit up his face, and his trench coat was torn. Spike's face had been burned, and all that remained of his trench coat was the bit around his shoulders. Illyria, however, looked the same as always.

Angel tossed a rock to the Shelpshov demon. "Is this the Rinkan Stone?"

The demon looked it over. It didn't appear to be very special, just a rock with a symbol carved into it, but he nodded. "This is the one."

"Good. Because if I have to kick the Pontifex Maximum's ass again, I'm just not up for that."

"It was pretty funny, though," Spike said. "Got to admit that."

"No, I don't."

Zim held out his hand. "Okay, let me have it."

The Shelpshov demon shook his head. "Not after what you did to the Pick. I'm going to give it to your most reliable friend."

Both Brandon and Fitz stepped forward, then grinned sheepishly at each other. Fitz gestured for Brandon to continue, while Brandon did the same to Fitz. They were too busy being courteous to each other, so they missed it when the demon handed the Rinkan Stone to Bruni.

"No fucking way," Brandon said.

"He may be a drunkard, but he has great wisdom as Future Booze Jesus," the Shelpshov demon said.

"You haven't seen this guy do karaoke," Brandon said.

"I will guard this with Zim's life," Bruni said. He placed the Stone into his pocket.

"Thanks, Bruni," Zim said.

"Can I see that rock?" DD asked. He held out his hand.

"Uh, no," Bruni said.

"I just want to look at it. It might be valuable or something."

"No, it's not. And no, you can't."

DD backed off. "I was just asking." But he did not remove his eyes from Bruni's pocket. No one noticed when DD slipped a knife from the Shelpshov demon's kitchen nook up his sleeve.

"So," Zim said, "what do I do now?"

"You didn't hear any of what he said earlier?" Brandon asked.

"Not really."

"You must go back to Tailgators," the Shelpshov demon said. "Using the horns of the Vendrell demon, you must summon Krimskep the Strong. Thanks to the Rinkan Stone, he will be unable to resist. This is when you will trap him and destroy him with the very Stone he seeks."

"Can we just go to Mullin's?" Zim asked. "I like that place way better."

"No, it must be Tailgators. And it must be fast. Krimskep's soldiers are gathering at the Nepval Portal. If they start charging through, then the world is doomed. We must get Krimskep here before this happens. Lorne, do you have the summoning spell?"

"You betcha, doll-face." Lorne tapped his pocket.

"Good. Now be on your way. And hurry, for the sun is a mere five hours away."

"Don't I know it," Angel muttered. "Okay guys. Let's go save the world."

"For the fifty millionth time," Spike said.

Everyone started up the stairs except for Bruni and DD. They both went for the remainder of the ale, and their hands met the bottle at the same time.

"I call dibs," DD said.

Bruni considered fighting this foolishness, but he realized that DD might be a bit less whiny if he had some alcohol in him. Reluctantly Bruni removed his hand from the bottle, and DD downed its contents. They both nodded to the Shelpshov demon.

"Good luck to you all. Don't let Zim the Courageous fail."

When they were back up in the forest preserve DD left Bruni's side to find Zim. There he was, dragging his feet near the rear of the party. _Do it now_ , Desdemona said in his brain. _End this savior's life before it's too late_!

DD let the kitchen knife fall from his sleeve into the palm of his hand. He quickened his pace to catch up with Zim, which wasn't very hard to do. Zim didn't notice because he was too busy looking down at his feet. His neck was bared to DD.

 _This should be easy_ , DD thought. He lifted the blade above his head and brought it down with all his might, aiming the point at Zim's neck, intent on stabbing all the way through to his Adam's apple.


	13. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

A Fortunate Death

The only person behind DD, and thus the only person who saw him draw the knife, was Bruni. At first he thought it was a joke. A lame joke—it came from DD, after all—but a joke nonetheless. However, when he saw the blade arc up, and when he saw DD's muscles (if they could be called such) tense for attack, Bruni knew this was for real.

There was too much distance between them, so he needed a projectile weapon. The only thing he had on him was an empty flask, so he went for it. Just as the knife began its descent, the flask clanked against the back of DD's head. The blade went astray; only the handle came into contact with Zim, and that was against his shoulder.

Everyone turned around to see what the commotion was about, and when they saw DD on the ground, the knife still in his hands, they were baffled.

Except for Lorne. "His eyes are glowing! He's a Dementemum demon!"

Angel didn't hesitate; he hurled his sword at DD's prostrate form, and it landed through his torso, pinning him to the ground. As this happened, Gunn snapped his wrist and his hubcap axe spun around and around through the air until it came to rest in DD's neck, severing his head in one fell swoop. It rolled away, and blood gouted from the stump. Because the axe blocked the flow, it hit the hubcap and sprayed up, covering Zim from head to toe in DD's blood.

Zim spat, and some blood came out. He ran his fingers across his face, clearing his eyes of the mess. "This is just . . . just fucking great."

Lorne held up a finger. "Guys? You shouldn't kill people possessed with Dementemum demons. They can be cured."

"Not this guy," Fitz said. "This is no big loss."

"Well, that may be the case, but—" Lorne stopped when he saw the golden glow in DD's eyes flow out and disappear into the night. "Well, as I'm sure you just saw, it's still alive. And it will probably haunt us later."

Zim started walking back to the tree. Fitz said, "Where are you going?"

"I hope the Shelpshov demon has a shower," Zim said. "I'm not going to Tailgators covered in blood."

"It's not that bad," Brandon said. Something twinkled in his eye, and it was a miracle that he restrained himself from laughing.

"IT'S HORRIBLE!" Zim yelled. "First he attempts to kill me, and as a final insult he sprays his blood all over me! I hate my life!"

"We don't have time to screw around," Angel said. He retrieved his sword. "We have to stop Krimskep before it's too late."

Gunn grabbed his axe. "Yeah. You have no idea how vicious his horde is. Just one of them slipped into this world, and he nearly killed us all. Gave even Illyria a run for her money."

"Then let's get this bloody show on the road," Spike said. He laughed and turned to Zim. "Sorry, mate. Too good to pass up."

"I hate you all," Zim muttered.

Bruni grabbed his flask and polished it before putting it back in his pocket. "Fuck the pen. Booze is mightier than the sword."

When they got back to the cars, Zim started getting into the van. Brandon held up his hand. "Hold on."

"What?"

"I'm not letting you in this van like that."

"I thought it wasn't so bad," Zim said.

"There's a tarp all the way in the back," Brandon said. "Get that first. If I see any blood on my upholstery you will never sleep a wink again. I will badger you and badger you forever."

"You'll do that anyway," Zim said.

"Yeah, but not as badly as I will."

Zim let out a tremendous sigh and retrieved the tarp. Only after it was placed over the seat was he allowed into the van. With that done they drove to Tailgators, toward what might be the end of the world. Toward Zim's grand destiny.


	14. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

The Smell of Fear

As they were headed out of the forest preserve Bruni remembered that he had another flask, and it was still about three-quarters full. With a grin he retrieved it from his pocket and began swilling it immediately. The ale he'd consumed recently did a decent job of getting him drunk, but he was coming down too quickly. To make up for this he took not one, not two, but three quick tugs off of the flask.

Fitz looked sidelong at him. "Don't let Brandon see that."

"Why?"

Fitz sighed. "Open alcohol container in a moving car? I don't know why Brandon wouldn't like that."

"My rampant boozing just saved Zim's life," Bruni said. "I think he'd make an exception."

Fitz turned his attention to Zim, who was hunched over in his seat, closely examining the Rinkan Stone. He turned it over in his hands, leaving bloody fingerprints all over it.

"I thought Bruni had that thing," Fitz said.

"He gave it to me," Zim said. "He couldn't fit it comfortably in his pockets because that's where he keeps his flasks, so when I asked for it, he just gave it to me."

"Are you going to break this, too?"

"Probably not. It looks hard to break."

"You got blood all over it," Fitz said. "I hope it still works."

"He got blood all over WHAT?!" Brandon yelled.

"Don't worry. We're talking about the rock."

"You'd better be. Remember, Zim: NOT ONE SPOT OF BLOOD."

Zim let out a heavy sigh and put the Rinkan Stone in his pocket. On Fitz's other side Bruni took several more swigs from the flask. Fitz did an imitation of Zim's sigh. "I think we're all doomed."

Bruni perked up. "Wait! We're doomed if we go back to Tailgators! Brandon, do not go to Tailgators!"

"Thank God," Zim said. "I hate that place."

"What are you talking about?" Brandon asked.

"I am once again Future Booze Jesus, and I have had a vision. If we go to Tailgators we will be arrested, and the world will end because Zim wasn't in the right place at the right time."

"So where are we going, then?"

Future Booze Jesus smiled. "We're going to Mullin's. That's where Krimskep will appear, and that is where Zim must stop him."

"See?" Zim asked. "I wanted to go to Mullin's all this time, but everyone said we can't. I was right, and I want all of you to admit it."

Brandon ignored him. "Mullin's? Are you sure?"

"Positive," Future Booze Jesus said.

"Bullshit," Fitz said. "You just want the world to end at Mullin's because you're pissed off at that one bartender. The guy who cut you off because you puked in the bathroom."

"I did not puke in the bathroom. That cocksucker was spreading vicious lies about me. But no, I would never stake the fate of the world on such a decision." He paused. "This is, however, quite fortuitous. I like that."

"Great," Brandon said. "Does anyone know Angel's cell phone number? We have to let them know."

No one had it.

"I think you should pull up next to them and shout this new information at high speeds," Bruni said. "As your attorney I advise you to do this."

"There are only two lanes here," Brandon said. "What if someone comes along?"

"There is no one out there," Future Booze Jesus said. "There will be no car crash."

Fitz shrugged. "I trust his judgment when he's like this."

"Fine." Brandon pulled into the next lane going the wrong way and rode up next to Angel's convertible while Bruni leaned his head out the window and shouted drunken gibberish.

When no one in Angel's car got the idea, Bruni started singing a GWAR tune. "Fucking an Animal" came through loud and clear, and Lorne's head perked up. It was clear that he understood, and he explained the situation to Angel.

"Follow us!" Bruni roared. Brandon quickly pulled into the correct lane again. They were now on their way to Mullin's.

Twenty minutes later they were pulling into Mullin's. There was about a half an hour before closing time, so the parking lot was still fairly full. There was a local band playing, and from the sound of it they were still rocking away.

As soon as the van and convertible parked, everyone filed out and gathered together. "What now?" Zim asked.

"The Shelpshov demon told me that we had to find a particular individual," Lorne said. "The guy's name is Ace, and he—"

"Holy shit!" Fitz said. "I know that guy!"

"You mean, Guns-n-Roses Ace?" Brandon asked.

"As it turns out, yes," Lorne said. "He does have an affinity for GNR. But he's not a human being. He's a Sleshta Skatz, one of Krimskep's people. He's not a bad guy, though. He knows how we can lure Krimskep to this place."

"Isn't Krimskep supposed to be here anyway?" Zim asked.

"Yes," Lorne said, "but we need him here at our mercy, not the other way around."

"And Ace can do this?" Fitz asked.

"Yes. He's been Mullin's guardian for more years than I can count. Now it is time for him to finally fulfill his duty in the prophecy."

"A thought has just occurred to me," Bruni said. "Krimskep clearly knows about a prophecy involving him, right? And that this prophecy names Zim as the winner of this battle, right?"

"Yeah," Lorne said.

"Then why does Krimskep still want to come here and fight? If he knows he's going to lose, why is he going to do it anyway?"

Angel pursed his lips. "I've asked myself the same question many times about many different end-of-the-world prophecies."

"Think of all the time we could have saved," Spike said.

"Who cares?" Connor asked. "Let's just find this guy and get Krimskep here so Zim can kill him."

"Amen to that," Gunn said.

They advanced on Mullin's, and the bouncer stopped them at the door, asking for ID's. Then, before anyone could object, he saw Fitz. "Hey, man. Long time, no see. What's up?"

"Not much." Fitz shook his hand. "Just looking for a couple of last minute drinks."

"Come on in, man. Hey Brandon." The bouncer shook Brandon's hand.

Zim nodded to the bouncer, who ignored him as the others shuffled past him.

The bar was pretty crowded for the late hour, and there were a few people dancing in front of the stage. Most stood around tables, drinking their various-colored booze. Everyone spread out, hoping to find Ace in time.

Bruni headed directly to the bar, but when he saw the douchebag bartender was the only one serving this side, he went to the bathroom instead, where he started downing the remainder of his flask. He briefly considered puking all over the bathroom as a form of retribution, but he had a reputation to maintain, so he decided against it.

Fitz was making the rounds, shaking hands with familiar faces, but when he neared the back of the room he saw an incredibly beautiful woman. She was alone, leaning against the bar, sipping from what looked like a Jack and Diet Coke—Fitz's usual—and her strikingly gorgeous blue eyes met with his. He felt the incredible urge to approach her.

So he did. He had no idea as to what he was going to say, but he had confidence in himself. There was no doubt in his mind: as soon as this night was through, after all the demons had been dealt with, he would be going home with this hottie.

Zim and Brandon bumped into each other during their search for Ace. It was Brandon who noticed Fitz approaching the hot chick. He pointed. "That's weird."

"Huh?" Zim asked.

"Fitz is making the approach," Brandon said. "That's not his style."

"That's right. He usually waits for women to come to him, and he always plays it cool as if he doesn't care whether or not she's interested in him."

"And it is kind of a strange time for him to be making a move."

"Hey! There's Ace!" Zim said.

Brandon turned away from Fitz, so he did not notice when Desdemona turned into a pure golden light and shot herself through Fitz's eyes.


	15. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Too Late

Ace sat at the bar, chasing shots of Jack Daniel's with sips of coffee. His bandana was in place, as was his vacant stare. He'd been there for several hours, and he was trying to sober up a little bit before heading home. He'd been busted for DUI too many times, and one more would probably be his last. He couldn't defend the world from the Sleshta Skatz from a prison cell.

Brandon and Zim approached. "Ace!" Zim said. "We've been looking all over for you."

Ace knew Brandon, but Zim was a bit hazy. He had a hard time remembering most people because he tended to meet them when he was drunk. His usual policy was to fake it, so he did. "I've been here all night, dude. What's up?"

"Krimskep's coming to this world tonight," Zim said. "We need your help to lure him here."

Ace blinked. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Zim," Brandon said, "the rock."

"Right." Zim reached into his pocket and retrieved the Rinkan Stone. He placed it on the bar in front of Ace. "This ring any bells?"

Ace's eyes grew wide. "Holy shit! He's really coming here now?"

"Sorry," Zim said. "I got blood on it, so it's kind of sticky, but I'm sure it will work."

"We have no time to lose," Ace said. He slammed the final shot and drained off the remainder of his coffee. "Things are about to get nasty. Let's get out to the portal."

"The portal?"

Ace let out an Axl Rose yowl and started running for the door. Brandon and Zim followed, gesturing to the others to follow. Bruni came out of the bathroom at just that moment, so he started after them. Fitz took the rear as they stepped out into the night.

"Quick!" Ace shouted. "Over here!" He led them back by the Dumpster where a drunk leaned against the brick wall, urinating. "Dude! Clear out! Shit's about to get real!"

The drunk hiccupped and dropped to the ground, passed out.

"Okay, then," Ace said. "He'll be all right. Zim, take off your clothes."

Zim paused. "What?"

"Your clothes. Take them off. You can't do this ritual while wearing clothes."

"This sucks," Brandon said.

Zim sighed and started taking his clothes off. His body was strangely pale in contrast with his blood-splattered face and hands.

"Now," Ace said, "the Rinkan Stone." Ace gave it back to Zim.

Fitz swept in between them and slapped the rock from Zim's hand. It clattered away and under the Dumpster. Fitz laughed, his eyebrows arched so much that they were like Satanic inverted V's.

"What the fuck?" Zim asked.

"Shit!" Lorne said. "The Dementemum demon! She's back!"

Fitz's eyes glowed a golden color, and the light started emanating from his mouth. Angel and Gunn stepped forward with their weapons ready.

"No!" Lorne shouted. "Remember, he can be saved!"

"What do we do?" Angel asked.

"Cover your ears!" As soon as everyone complied, just as Fitz was getting ready to jump at Zim, Lorne let loose with his high-pitched cry.

Fitz froze in place, and the murderous glare went out of him. There was a shrieking sound, and the golden light blew out his back, hovering behind him.

Ace yelled an incantation, and the light became solid. Desdemona stood before them all, her teeth bared—all of them on her body—and her hands twisted into claws.

"Now!" Lorne cried out.

Angel, Spike, Connor and Gunn leapt forward, each skewering Desdemona with their weapons until she was a pincushion. She gave a yelp but offered no further resistance.

Fitz stood like a zombie, his eyes wide and his hair sticking up in all directions. He held up one hand, his index finger pointing at the sky. "Check please," he muttered. Then, he fell to the ground.

Brandon, Bruni and Zim rushed to Fitz's side. "Dude, are you all right?" Brandon asked.

"He slimed me," Fitz whispered.

"Stop!" Ace yelled. "Zim, I need you in place! The air is charging up!"

"Huh?" Zim asked.

"Get the Rinkan Stone!"

Zim rushed over to the Dumpster and looked under it. "I can't see it."

The air crackled, and as Zim reached under the Dumpster to see if he could grab the rock, a portal split open. Something started rumbling through.

"No!" Ace screamed. "We're too late! Here comes the Sleshta Skatz!"


	16. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

The Big Bad is Really, Really Big

The first Sleshta Skatz shambled through the portal, and Zim nearly shat himself upon seeing it. The beast was seven feet tall, and it was about as muscular as three Arnold Schwarzeneggers. The helmet on its head had a giant spike on top, and the rest of its body was covered in horned armor. It clutched in its hand a sword the size of Fitz, and its shield nearly covered its entire body. Under the helmet's visor the beast's eyes glowed red, and its breath smoked.

And then the next one stepped through. It looked just like the first. So did the rest of the horde as they entered this world one by one.

"We are so fucked," Bruni said.

"I hope you're not Future Booze Jesus right now," Brandon said.

"No, but I think he would agree."

Angel stepped in front of the horde. "I'm warning you only once. Go home or die."

The Sleshta Skatzes laughed, and one of them spoke in their language. It was a horrible sound, like someone chewing broken glass.

Angel stepped aside, and Illyria approached the one who seemed to be their leader. Without warning she aimed a punch at its chest. The beast brought its shield up, but Illyria's fist went through it and the armor on the other side. When she pulled her hand out of its chest, she held its many-chambered heart.

"Go!" Angel yelled. His team rushed forward to lay the Sleshta Skatzes low.

"Guys!" Zim said. "Help me move this thing!" He pushed at the Dumpster.

Brandon, Fitz and Bruni ran to his aid. They quickly moved the cumbersome hunk of metal, and Zim ducked down to grab the Rinkan Stone.

"NO!" The scream came from Ace, and everyone turned around in time to see another portal open, this one in the sky. It was as wide as the building, and a pair of feet dangled out of it. Then, with an enormous crash, the rest of the beast fell from the portal, crushing some cars and sending others flying. The newcomer looked like a Sleshta Skatz, but it was about thirty feet tall.

"Krimskep!" Ace screamed.

Krimskep turned his burning eyes on Ace, opened his mouth and fired a jet of flames. Ace was obliterated within seconds. When the fire stopped, all that remained was a pair of smoldering cowboy boots with his feet still in them.

"Maybe we should get out of here," Fitz said.

Krimskep pulled the roof off of Mullin's and used it as a backscratcher. With a sigh he dropped it back into place. This caused hunks of rubble to rain down on the inside of the bar. One particularly large piece landed on the bartender, who had been in the process of slapping a waitress's ass before the world went to hell. When they wrestled the piece of ceiling off of him later, they saw that his head had been driven down into his chest as if he were a turtle.

Spike flew through the air and landed on his ass next to Fitz. The blond vampire's face was covered with cuts and bruises. There was blood in the corner of his mouth.

"You okay?" Fitz asked.

Spike forced himself up to his feet and wiped the blood away with the back of his hand. He quickly examined the smudge and then licked it. "I'm fine. The arsehole that hit me won't be." And he jumped back into the fray.

"Maybe you should use the rock," Brandon said to Zim.

"How?" Zim asked.

"I don't know. Just hold it up, or something."

Zim sighed. "Fine."

With one hand he held the Rinkan Stone out to Krimskep, showing off the side with the weird pattern on it. The rock seemed to heat up in his hand, and he saw it start to glow.

Krimskep turned his attention on Zim. He growled something in his own language and advanced on Zim. Cars flew out of the way as he kicked them aside. Then, towering over Zim like a house, Krimskep brought his fist down, aiming for the Rinkan Stone.


	17. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

The Naked Zim

"No!" Lorne yelled. He leaped at Zim. "You fool!"

Zim felt the air get knocked out of him as the two of them stumbled away from Krimskep's giant fist. The ground thundered, and the pavement cracked under such a formidable weight.

"Why'd you do that?!" Zim yelled. "It was working!"

"No," Lorne said. "The Rinkan Stone would have worked only if we were still setting up the trap. It was going to be used to lure Krimskep here into our trap, but he beat us to the punch. It's the Stone that he wants. You were just about to give him the one thing that he needs to conquer this world!"

"Oh," Zim said. "Then I got this thing out from under the Dumpster for nothing?"

"Look out!" Bruni shouted.

Zim and Lorne looked up just in time to see the giant fist coming for them again. Lorne jumped away into the Dumpster, and Zim rolled out of Krimskep's path at the last second.

"I took my clothes off for this?!" Zim shouted. He scraped his pale, tender flesh on the hard, pebbled pavement.

Krimskep roared and punched the Dumpster aside. It crumpled and went flying. Everyone heard a brief cry from within, but then there was silence.

As Zim scrambled for his clothes, and Bruni, Brandon and Fitz tried to help him, Angel and Spike met back to back in the fray. They worked at cutting down more of the beasts. Both were covered with blood, some of it their own, the rest belonging to their enemies. Gunn's arms were tired as he continued cutting and parrying with his hubcap axe. The weapon was dulled from all of this action, and it looked like it was about to fall apart.

Illyria had no problem with the Sleshta Skatz. She beat them back as they advanced. It was almost to the point where she could block the portal. Occasionally one would slip through, but for the most part she held them at bay.

Connor slashed a Sleshta Skatz's throat and bathed in its blood. He closed his eyes so none of it would blind him. Unfortunately, when he did this, he missed the Sleshta Skatz coming up from behind him. With a grim thrust of its blade, the beast tore Connor completely in half.

"No!" Angel cried. His fighting became even more frenzied.

"Gunn!" Spike yelled. "Behind you!"

Gunn whirled around, and a Sleshta Skatz brought its sword down on him. Gunn managed to get the axe up, but it was lopped in half by the force of the beast. Two of his fingers rolled away, but he still had the handle, and he pushed it into the Sleshta Skatz's face, squishing out one of its eyes. The beast shrieked, and its other eye popped out from the pressure. It stuck to Gunn's eye patch, burning it away.

Gunn screamed as he recalled Future Booze Jesus' prediction about getting his eye back and not liking it when it happens. His face ignited, and he started battering away at his cheeks. As he did this, another Sleshta Skatz approached, but Spike stood between them. Their swords clashed.

"Come on, Charlie," Spike said. "I can't save you forever."

Zim, now wearing his jeans and shoes, looked out at all the destruction and desolation that had once been Mullin's. Bodies were strewn everywhere, and how many had Team Angel lost? Even Brandon, Fitz and Bruni were stuck in the fight as they desperately fought off a single Sleshta Skatz with whatever junk they could get together.

Krimskep towered over Zim, eyes burning, and he knew this whole thing was fucked. He should never have gone to Tailgaters. He should have never gotten involved in this horrible mess. Why hadn't he just stayed home? In bed?

The giant grumbled something in its language, and though Zim did not understand it, the warning was pretty clear in Krimskep's tone. He wanted the Rinkan Stone, or Zim and his friends would die.

"I give up," Zim said. "It's just not worth it. Just make our deaths quick, okay?"

And he threw the Rinkan Stone up to Krimskep, who caught it in a deft flick of his wrist. There was a triumphant roar from above.

"Zim!" Angel yelled. "What did you do?!"

"I gave him the Rinkan Stone," Zim said.

"You _what_?!"

"Zim! You've just destroyed the world!" Brandon yelled.

Zim sighed. "See? I told you guys I'm not good at this."

Everyone gritted their teeth as Krimskep prepared to rain death upon the world.


	18. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

The Final Insult

"Well," Bruni said, "this is the end of the world. I'm finishing off this whiskey." He unscrewed the cap of his flask and downed the final three swallows. "I wish it was Wild Turkey 101 instead of this Stillbrook swill."

Fitz shrugged. "We'll get out of this. I'm working on a plan to Palp this friggin' guy."

"Now would be the time, Fitz," Brandon said. "I think Krimskep is about to destroy us."

Above them Krimskep held the Rinkan Stone tightly in his fist. Brilliant blue light glowed from between his fingers, and the fire in his eyes shot triumphantly out from under his helmet. A deep rumble came from the giant, and it took Zim a moment to realize that the monster was laughing.

Spike ambled up to Zim and slapped him on the back. "Zim, I just wanted to thank you for ending the world. Life was getting boring, anyway." He popped a cigarette into his mouth and lit it. Then, deliberately, he blew smoke into Zim's face.

"That's great," Zim said. "I'm going to die with the stink of your secondhand smoke in my nose."

"That's the least of your worries, mate. Dying hurts. A lot. I've done it a few times, myself."

"Ah shit," Zim muttered. "What have I done?"

Bruni perked up yet again, and from the look in his eyes, Fitz knew that he was Future Booze Jesus again. "Everyone. This is going to work out. Zim just saved the world."

"I knew it," Fitz said.

"Huh?" Zim asked.

The light in Krimskep's fist suddenly turned red, and his flesh started bubbling like boiling water. Cracks formed in his armor, and his helmet crumbled, revealing a smoldering head beneath. The big bad roared, and all of his teeth came tumbling out of his mouth. His skin flaked away, and his insides came seething out of his belly in a fetid pile of gore.

"What's going on?" Angel asked.

"I don't know," Spike said. "But I think the boozy guy is right. Somehow, we won."

Krimskep screamed one final time, and his body split like a rotten tomato, sending a tremendous tsunami of blood down in the parking lot. The viscous fluid drenched everything and everyone. It splashed in one gigantic wave against the side of Brandon's van.

"Vy am I drippings vith goo?" Fitz said. He scooped the slimy blood from his eyes and slapped it away from him.

"Well, at least I was already covered in blood," Zim said. "It doesn't make much of a difference to me."

"Good thing I was in the Dumpster," Lorne said. He staggered onto the scene, dapper as ever, without a drop of blood on him. "I am going to have to get my shoes cleaned, though."

"What the hell happened?" Angel asked. "I thought this idiot over here killed us all by giving Krimskep the Rinkan Stone."

"Yeah," Spike said. "What long, tall and gnarly said."

Lorne rubbed his forehead. "I really don't know. The only thing that could have changed Krimskep's plan was if the Stone was touched by virgin's blood. That would probably cause something like this to happen."

"Holy shit!" Fitz said. "DD! When Angel and Gunn killed him, a bunch of his blood got on the Rinkan Stone!"

"That means DD was a virgin," Brandon said.

"Tee-hee!" Bruni said.

"That fucking liar," Fitz said. "I at least figured he'd scammed some underage skank to fuck him. He couldn't even get it like that."

Illyria finished off the last of the Sleshta Skatz as the portal closed. She then stepped over to Gunn, who was still breathing although his face was burned beyond all recognition. "Kill me," he mumbled.

"What an odd request," Illyria said. "I thought you meat bags wanted to live forever."

"Now's not the time for a discussion on cultural differences," Gunn said. "Please. Kill me."

"Very well, Charles Gunn. I will honor your strange request, even though I like you." Illyria brought her foot crashing down on Gunn's head, splitting it like a melon.

"Jesus!" Angel said. "Why did you do that?"

"Who is this Jesus?" Illyria asked.

"He's talking to you, love," Spike said.

"But my name is Illyria."

"Enough! Why did you kill Gunn?"

"He asked me to," Illyria said.

"Hasn't there been enough killing today?!"

Zim staggered tiredly over to his friends. "I think we should get out of here. This is getting a bit heavy."

"Yeah," Fitz said. "It's kind of awkward that your cowardice and lack of concern accidentally killed two people."

"I saved the world, didn't I?" Zim asked.

"Holy fuck, Zim!" Brandon yelled. "You couldn't even fail right! You saved the world purely by accident!"

"People will remember me as Zim the Courageous."

"Those people are fools," Fitz said.

"Let's just get out of here," Zim said. "I'm starting to get a headache. Leave these people to their grief."

Bruni looked out over the desolation of what once was Mullin's parking lot. The bodies, the blood and the remains of Team Angel were scattered and splattered everywhere. "This is a sad day."

Fitz stood next to Brandon's bloody van. Brandon was too busy berating Zim to have noticed. Fitz smiled. "Art! Your wife is home! And your house is on fire!"

Brandon turned and shouted, "My wife is home?!" And then he saw the van. Quietly he turned to Zim. "What did I say about getting blood on my van?"

Zim looked at the mess and uttered a laugh. "That's not my fault."

"All of this is your fault, Zim! Everything we've been through tonight! You caused it all!" He took a deep breath and let it out. "You're doomed, Zim. You will never sleep again. And you're paying to have this cleaned up."

The rest of the roof fell in on Mullin's. By then everyone had escaped, so no one was harmed. It was still a grim thing to witness, like the death of the last dinosaur.

"Well, there goes that gig," Brandon said. "Shit, that reminds me. I have to go back to Tailgators to get my equipment."

"No," Zim said. "I saved the world, and I'm putting my foot down. You're dropping me off at home first. Wait, we're going to Tapateos, and _then_ you're bringing me home."

"I could go for some Tapateos," Fitz said.

"Fine," Brandon said. "But don't count on that whole I-saved-the-world excuse forever, Zim. I will destroy you. Everyone, grab a tarp."

The four of them climbed into the van and drove to Tapateos, where they walked through the door and were confronted by shocked faces. They exchanged glances with each other and remembered in unison that they were covered in blood.

Fitz grinned. "I blame the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man."

No one in Tapateos got the reference. "Can I take your order?" the counter clerk asked.

Fitz was the first to go, followed by Brandon, then Bruni. Zim sighed, aggravated that he was the last in line. He gave his order, and he made sure it was big. Then, reaching for his wallet, he patted his pocket. "Oh shit."

"What?" Bruni asked.

"My wallet. I must have lost it in all the fighting."

"Goddammit, Zim!" Brandon yelled.

"Can you guys pay for me? I did save the world, after all."

His three companions sighed, and they dug around in their pockets to each throw in for Zim's meal. Between the three of them, they had enough, and they retired to the dining section to wait for their food.

As he sat down, Zim patted his pocket once again, comforted by the weight of his wallet. _Little victories_ , he thought. Their food arrived, and they dug in.

 _Little victories_.

Cris Zim will return in . . . WHERE WE'RE GOING, WE DON'T NEED ROADS


End file.
